I wish I could tell you what is about to occur, I wish I could tell you the pain you’re about to endure. I wish I could fast forward to the good parts of your life so you could understand the reasoning behind what is about to happen.
You are four years old and about to go through trials and tribulations that will last a lifetime. You are about to go through pain that someone at the tender age of four should never have to. As you ride up on your bike with your sister, you hear loud music playing and it’s the song your dad always says reminds him of you “She’s got ruby red lips, blonde hair, blue eyes and I’m about to bid my heart goodbye”
those we’re the lyrics that made you feel so special, that would replay in your head often to bring back one out of the two memories you have, and that being the only valuable memory you will ever remember from him.
He’s being hauled off and you don’t really understand why he isn’t around anymore, why you can’t see him, why he just left. No one is really saying much because they don’t want to hurt you, You cry a lot. You feel sadness and struggle. You occasionally get gifts and poems in the mail from him that you look forward to because they are handmade with love and they give hope that he is coming back soon but you still don’t understand why he isn’t here…
You are now eight years old and you are told that he is finally coming home. You are hopeful that finally you can have a dad again, but you have no idea that the pain is going to continue. That it would have been better for him to just not have come back because then you wouldn’t have to look someone you love in the eyes when they tell you that they don’t want you anymore. That he is leaving and he doesn’t want to see you anymore. You would never know that this moment would lead you to a lifetime of pain, a lifetime of self doubt, of always feeling unworthy of love. You have no idea that this moment would completely separate your family, to put a divide into the way a family is suppose to function. You have no idea that this moment will make you feel isolated and alone through your many years of adolescence.
Over the next 20 years of your life you will be disappointed by men over and over again. You will feel alone more then you will ever feel loved. You will feel like you want it all to end more times then you can count, you will struggle, you will know more pain then anyone ever should. You will be abandoned, deceived, you will lose all faith in people and you will lose your joy. You will try to fill the gaps of that emptiness that fills your heart by becoming an over achiever , by creating an incredible life that will cover up the pain so that no one sees your struggle. You will put on a brave face and you will smile through the hardships.
My feisty, strong-headed, fierce, genuine, loveable and kind Michelle I wish I could take away all your pain, I wish that I could have been there to tell you through all the troubles that you have a God who has created you to be exactly who you are suppose to be, who loves you more then any person ever could. Who wants to be the father you never had. Who has numbered the hairs on our head, who has breathed life into you who has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’
When you finally feel the presence of God in life, you are desperate to know him, for him to speak into your life, and become the guardian of your days here on earth that lead to eternal life with him. He delivers consistently and shows you love, he shows you abundance and he shows you joy. You realize that there will still be struggle, pain, and grief, but that he will be your safe place. Michelle I wish I could have told you sooner that he calls you “more then a conquerer” and that nothing will be able to separate you from his love.
He will carry the burden for you and you will finally find peace through him.